>bah humbug

4:42 AM

>I know this is normal, but jeez, I have been feeling so depressed lately about being pregnant.

It starts with not being able to do half of the things I used to be able to do, or not feeling up to it. Things that used to be enjoyable have became so much work for me that I barely want to bother with them any more. Then when David wants me to do something I can't do it/don't feel like doing it I get upset with him first for expecting me to and then later on get upset with myself for not being able to. I get upset because he doesn't understand what I'm going through. I get upset with myself because I expect him to understand what I'm going through and/or because I don't just do it and pretend everything is ok even when it's not just to keep him happy so at least one of us is ok. I get upset because I see him so upset and confused and distressed and I know I'm making him that way. I get upset with him because I wish he would realize that I'm just going to be plain psycho right now and I just want him to comfort me and reassure me that it's going to be ok, that I'm going to be ok, that we're going to be ok instead of getting angry and/or upset and then turning his back on me. I get upset because I even begin to expect him to do that and not get upset/hurt by me - it's plain out selfish. I get upset because I don't understand myself and I can't seem to control myself. And I get upset when I look at us in the emotional shape we currently are and wonder how on earth we're going to manage being parents. I'm scared we're not going to be able to handle it. I'm scared he's going to leave me or stop loving me and just put up with me because he feels he has to. I'm scared we're not going to do a good job. I'm scared of the level of dedication I feel to this child's well being and how that may end up turning in to me leaving him with or without the child depending on who is causing the problems or turning the child over to someone else's hands because neither one of us are suitable parents. I'm scared I'm going to end up being yet another mom who stays at home (or god forbid, works AND does everything at home) and struggles to care for her child and her immature and careless husband. I'm scared of being a bad mom. I'm scared of being the immature and careless one that puts everything on David. And the list goes on...

And sometimes all of this goes through my head and I start to wonder if this all isn't just one big huge mistake. And that depresses me as well because I don't want it to be, but what if it is? What if this is the straw that destroys our relationship because we weren't ready for it? And I panic and I just want to stop everything and reverse it. And then I feel guilty for even feeling that way. Bleh.

I don't really want to stop and reverse things, but I do want to stop feeling so crappy and moody. All common sense and logic tells me that this is all in my head, and I know how silly a lot of it is, but that has no effect on my hormones and I can't seem to control myself.

I talked to Grandma about this, and she said that me, David, Uncle Steve, and Aunt Tebeth should get together, lol. Evidently they're going through the same thing as well. That at least helps me feel a bit better about it, at least for now while I'm not in the midst of a hormonal rush. :P

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