>I think my toddler is an alcoholic but life is good :)

9:31 AM


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Today Brennan got in to my Irish Coffee. :-/ Any time there's alcohol, he heads straight for it and normally we have managed to keep him away from it (until today). He didn't get drunk though, thank god. No indication of a buzz whatsoever. He did manage to soak a pair of my flip flops, a pair of sandals, and the bed. Ewww.

Right now our internet is down because the modem broke. We're supposed to have a new one Monday. The wait is agonizing. I miss Sorority Sisters!

Tonight I turned in my final for IT220N. I've got my fingers crossed because I think my instructor either:
  • hates me and thinks I'm not performing as well as I could
  • loves me and wants to challenge me further to see what I'm made of
Either way, it could result in a very bad grade for me, because without internet, I haven't been able to incorporate her suggestions in to my final. So yah, it's rough draft style. I did what I could and well... we'll see what happens.

Don't kid yourself. The University of Phoenix is a very rough school to get through. Just because it's online classes doesn't mean they give you any slack. I think I'm actually doing more work than I would be doing in a traditional classroom.

I must admit I enjoy the challenge though. :)

David has a new job. I think I may do the house wife thing for a while, and maybe even apply for temporary disability. David is going to be pulling in quite a bit of money, and I think I need a break to get these panic attacks and blackouts to dissipate. I think my body is telling me I need time to sit back, relax, and enjoy my family.

Everything does eventually happen for a reason. McDonalds was not an ethical employer. I don't want to represent an unethical company.

In essence, I was too good for them.

I spent most of my Fourth of July holding Brennan with his head against my chest so he could listen to my heart beat. The fireworks really freaked him out. I don't think it was the lights so much as the noise.

One thing is becoming clear: Brennan is a momma's boy. He loves Dada for rough and tumble play but when he wants to cuddle or he's feeling insecure it's momma he runs to. I hope it never ends. I know eventually it will.

I also think he's hit his terrible two's already. He's started getting really, really stubborn about having his way and throws temper tantrums at the drop of a dime, kicking and screaming and all. I think he spent 90% of the day today in time out because he kept misbehaving and throwing temper tantrums.

David and I seem to have hit a weird kind of plateau in our relationship. We fight hard and we love even harder. The funny thing is we often fight over stupid stuff and end up laughing about it and loving on each other later. I'm told it's typical for this early in a marriage. Either way it doesn't seem to be all that bad. We seem to be building a security with each other, a silent agreement of "I may get mad but I'll never leave and I'll never stop loving you".

All the money in the world couldn't pay for what I have right now. I have a family, a team, a few faithful friends that will last a lifetime. On top of that I have been building a relationship with others, good people that respect me as much as I respect them and that most importantly respect my family and what we have together.

I can finally say I live the good life. I know I keep saying that, but it keeps blowing my mind. I have spent most of my life miserable, alone, and often abused. Now I finally have that love, friendship, trust, and respect I've always craved.

I'm my own person. I'm not just so-and-so's girlfriend. I'm Jonquil, and David is David, and we're married. David loves that I'm intelligent and isn't offended if I know more on a topic or solve a problem quicker than he does - I actually think it kind of turns him on *giggles*. He loves that I'm my own person with my own opinions and respects me for it. When I'm feeling low, he makes me feel good about myself again. He never imposes on me what he thinks I should be because he's happy with me just the way I am. He doesn't try to control me because he trusts me and he's secure with himself. He's faithful to me - even online (no online affairs. cybering, or manipulating women on messengers to send him dirty pictures). And when we have sex, we don't just have sex, we make love. It's always passionate and even-keeled - he strives to make me happy and I strive to make him happy.

On top of that, he's a good man. He's good to his fellow neighbor, he doesn't talk about people behind their backs, he doesn't manipulate people to get what he wants, he doesn't lie, he tries to resolve drama rather than escalate or create it, and he tries to avoid hurting people. He's honest with himself and everyone around him.

I've thought long and hard about the abortion. I still feel that George had a good hand in it - he knew the possibility of it, he knew I was going to be homeless if he kicked me out, and he kicked me out anyways, not really because I wasn't home when I should have been (because God knows I was kept so locked up I finally resorted to sneaking out that one night to try to get the ball rolling on leaving), but because I was leaving him. We had already discussed it repeatedly and he knew I didn't want to be with him but was not at all willing to make it any easier for me to get out. We had stopped sleeping together, and the night of the conception he had basically told me I had a choice between doing it with him and getting out. We used natural planning and the pull out method... he knew I was ovulating because I warned him about it beforehand... he didn't pull out, and didn't tell me that he didn't pull out either. I started having pregnancy symptoms (sore breasts, feeling sick) and I thought that I might be developing breast cancer. He kept saying that I might be pregnant but I kept waving it off because he ALWAYS said that if I was late on a period or anything - which I wasn't the first few months, I just had lighter periods. I found out when I was pregnant after he kicked me out, and he was refusing to give me my stuff back or even talk to me because he was convinced I cheated on him. I had nowhere to go, the father of my twins acted like he wouldn't even accept their existance, I was worried about them having a father that had already shown himself to be abusive towards me and our pets, and where I was living I was told I could either be pregnant or have a roof over my head, not both. The shelters were all full, and I couldn't even get a credit card to cover a few months rent and food while I waited to start training at a new job.

I still didn't want the abortion though. Those were MY babies. I loved them so dearly... I felt there was no other choice though. It looked like they were better off in heaven than on earth.

Adoption? You know how many mixed kids get adopted? And how the heck was I supposed to get to somewhere like Jacksonville when all I had was my two feet?

Then there was my mom. She kept telling me it was the best choice for my situation. That it was the best choice for them.

I told them at the clinic I didn't want to do it. I begged for help with my situation. I didn't get any. They looked at me with tears in their eyes. They gave me a month's supply of Valium.

Since then, I have came to realize that maybe it was the best choice. Trust me, in no way do I encourage abortion. But I can see why there are so many women that get it done without really wanting it. When you're feeling hopeless, when everyone around you is telling you there's no choice, that it has to be done...

Moving on...

George would not have been a good father in his current state. I may have had to fight him in court for a paternity test. I would have to deal with his bull for the rest of my life because we had two kids together. Our kids could have gotten seriously psychologically screwed up by him. I wouldn't have had Brennan, who is an angel sent from God himself. I may have never gotten with David, who I am thoroughly convinced is the soul mate I've been waiting my entire life for.

I may have never gained my life back. I may have remained a scared and confused ghost, sitting in a room, trying to stay away from George so I wouldn't "get in to trouble".

What's worse is our kids may have ended up being just like him.

The twins are in heaven now. They know who loves them and who doesn't. And God himself knows what's in our hearts. He saw me cry in the shower, in the bathroom, in bed, on walks, caressing my belly and mourning what I thought had to come. He heard my prayers begging him for help and to show me the way.

Maybe ultimately he did show me the way.

I got what I originally prayed for. The thing I used to pray for every night for years. A good husband, a wonderful child, a loving family. Good people with good intentions and ultimately what I consider to be the good life.

I've also almost achieved another ultimate life goal of mine. A college degree. Just one more year to go. One more year, baby, and the average income for my career will be $40,000 - $50,000.

Two more years and I can double that.

Yup, with a little encouragement, I lost my college phobia and now I'm doing great at it.

I'm not really sure though yet if I will go for my certifications next or go ahead and do the next two years of college. I might set the college pace at one class at a time and do my certifications at the same time. Once I do my certifications I can pick the pace back up in my college courses.

Or I could just use that first salary to fund massage therapy school. Two years in that and well... that's a lot of money. Especially if you take on a specialization.

The ultimate question though is do I want to work on computers for the rest of my life or massage techniques? Which one would make me happiest?

I guess I won't know until I at least get my degree and try being a network technician.

I'm hoping I will just be left alone for the most part with the computers. When I work with computers and I'm left alone to do my work, it's very zen-like for me. When I have someone constantly nagging me it becomes nerve-wrecking and irritating. It eventually makes me want to have nothing to do with computers.

I've gotten in to an interesting band lately. The O.C. Supertones - it's a Christian ska band. They're pretty good though - if you're a third wave ska fan, go check them out.

It's around that time to start potty training Brennan. He walks everywhere now and climbs things and has his own little way of communication going on with us. We've started by letting him watch us use the bathroom so he understands that's what adults do. Then we're just going to wait for him to show interest in doing it. Hopefully that will be soon!

Today he had his first experience with chalk and playdough. He tried to eat the chalk then took to throwing it around for a while. Next he took to trying to put the chalk back in the box. He finally did make some marks on the cement with it. As for the playdough... OMG that was funny. The very first thing he did was take a big bite out of it, LOL. He loved the yellow but when he tried doing that to the red he didn't like it too much. We never did manage to get him to do anything more with it though than run around wih it. :(

I've got David reading Anne Rice's Sleeping Beauty trilogy. *evil grin*

I want another baby so bad right now. Brennan doesn't really want to be babied any more and I miss that. I know we've got to wait though and I'm not going to run off and do anything stupid, lol. I'm just saying though... I've got the baby syndrome bad.

I hope Brennan gets a little sister in the future. I can't help but check out all the gorgeous stuff they have for girls and wish I had one to get it all for, lol.

There's also a lot of stuff I want to do differently. I don't want to go through another pregnancy unmedicated. They're going to have to find SOMETHING to keep me from going psychotic off hormones and already existing disorders. I want a bathtub in my house and not just a shower. I want an assisted home birth with a birthing chair. I want to breastfeed for longer than 6 months (hopefully the next one won't want to rip my nipples off with her teeth like Brennan did). I want to cloth diaper exclusively from birth onwards to potty training using my own homemade diapers. I know how to deal with colic now thanks to The Happiest Baby on The Block so that won't be an issue. I want to spend at least a week alone with just my family - no visitors. And anyone that grabs my baby from me without asking or kisses my baby without asking is getting bit. I'm also going to enforce more educational toys. Brennan's gotten way more mentally worthless toys than I would really like him to have. I want to start using lanolin on my nipples early in the pregnancy so they're not as prone to getting tore up when I first start breastfeeding again. I want pictures or video taken of the birth. I didn't think I wanted to with Brennan's birth but I realized afterwards I wouldn't have minded too much. It was a special and beautiful moment - nothing shameful or embarrassing. I want to see what the look on my face is when the baby finally appears. I have no idea what I looked like when Brennan was born - probably wide eyed with my jaw hanging open, lol. I also want to record the look on David's face because that was priceless. He looked so happy and proud and there were tears in his eyes. That's the kind of look I know I'm not going to see again unless he sees me pop another watermelon sized baby out of my cooch, lol.

Yeah, I'm ready for another baby. But we're not financially prepared for it and according to medical research my body isn't ready for it yet either.

So I guess I'll have to wait. :)

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