>realizations and reflections

12:00 AM

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Well, it's 3:00 a.m. and I'm still wide awake. I think I drank a wee too much blue Mountain Dew and Dr. Pepper earlier tonight. My caffeine addiction is going to end up killing me one of these days. I don't drink it much because I'm hyper-sensitive to it but when I do I always end up going overboard.

It occurred to me a moment ago that the person I was talking about earlier actually made their reasoning very clear. I was just too wrapped up in the critical thinking process to realize it because it makes absolutely no use of critical thinking, just primitive emotion from which reasoning emerges. They feel threatened by me. The accusations were really the reasons why they feel threatened by me. Yah, they don't make any sense, but people's fears don't always make sense. All the accusations had a common theme... I was rubbing my popularity in their face, I thought I was better than them, I thought I was smarter than them, etc. It's a projected inferiority complex. They felt inferior so they projected those feelings on to me and blamed me for making them feel that way, even though I didn't do anything to indicate I felt that way. It's a classic case of emotional dishonesty and I can't believe I fell for it as long as I did. Actually, I can believe I fell for it as long as I did. I would have never expected it out of this particular person. They seem popular, smart, good, attractive, etc. enough that I didn't think for one second they would ever perceive me as competition. I forgot though that often we don't see ourselves in the same way others view us. I also forgot that I tend to be a little more open to my subconsciousness than most people... that is to say, if I subconsciously feel inferior I notice it before it turns in to overcompensation. Let's not forget they live with someone that is the polar opposite - a superiority complex that I have yet to see be shaken by any cognitive dissonance. Wow, it just matches up so well. The delusional projection, the passive aggressiveness, the distortion, the idealization, the regression.

Unfortunately there's nothing I can do about this. I can't change the way someone sees their self or the way they see me in comparison to their self, and usually the more you try to the more they see you as a threat because they're in a frame of mind where anything you say or do is going to be a threat (Remember that defense mechanism I talked about earlier that puts someone in that primitive state of mind? While they're in that state, they can't reason their self out of it). Just leaving them to their own misery and saying a little prayer for their self confidence is all I can really do.

*sigh* I really want to take Psych. The only problem with that is I will have to spend at least 4 years in school just to make 30k a year. It's not worth it. I am considering getting an associates in Psych though once I finish with IT. I will have all my general education requirements filled so I should be able to get away with just taking the core classes. You know, I could just go ahead and start working towards a masters in Psych after getting my IT degree. I won't need to upgrade my IT degree for a while, if ever, in order to advance... that's where certifications come in to play. Realistically I could just work on a masters in Psych and take a break every few months to work on earning a new certification. But it still begs the question... is it worth it? A masters in Psych is worth the same income as a bachelors in IT but requires two more years of school. I just can't seem to justify that no matter how much I love the subject of the human mind.

Then there's massage therapy. I still haven't forgotten how much I would love that and my original plan to use my IT income to fund going to one of the best schools in the country. I don't think my hands are strong enough for it, though. :-/ I should probably talk to my aunt about that (she specializes in massage therapy for pregnant women and infants, which is what I'm interested in specializing in). If I do that though I will most definitely be going for a Psych degree as well. Being able to offer real counseling along with a massage just seems right.

Well, it's now 4 a.m. and I am starting to feel sleepy. Hopefully this means I'll actually be able to go to sleep. It happened earlier and I laid in bed for several hours without a wink of sleep.


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