>What I have to look forward to in 2010

9:26 AM

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Lightning over the outskirts of Oradea, Romani...Image via Wikipedia
I know I should have made my New Year's resolutions by now, but I haven't. I honestly don't really feel like I need a list of resolutions to make because I'm already acting on them... why make a list to remind me of what I'm already doing? Rather than remind myself of my goals or make a list of goals I would much rather just do what I want to do.

Then there's the idea that once one makes a list of New Year's resolutions that they have to start those resolutions immediately with the new year. Most significant changes are not instant, though. They take time and they take a lot more than just simple conscientious effort. The change must be made from within. The things people usually list as resolutions are merely the results of such change and not the actual changes that need to be made in order to accomplish those results.

That being said I don't think it would hurt much for me to actually talk about some of the changes I have been actively making. It will be a nice little way of reviewing what was done in 2009 and seeing what I have to look forward to in 2010:

2009 has seen a drastic change in the way I view the behavior of others and in my own behavior. The beginning of 2009 was kicked off by witnessing how far some people will go to hurt and manipulate others. As the year progressed, I found that I was constantly exposing myself to more people that had little to no respect for me and situations that left me nothing short of broken in spirit. This brokenheartedness led me to desperation for a "cure" which I eventually found in the form of behavioral science and psychoanalysis. I began to feel like I was finding out the "secret" to why people behaved this way, why I continued to find myself in vulnerable situations with them, how I could put a stop to being in those types of situations with them, and how I could avoid getting involved with them all together. It's not a secret at all, though.... it's just standard behavioral theory, something known to every psychoanalyst. Anyways, as I worked on changing my views of how I ticked and also how others ticked, I started finding the results that had eluded me all my life. As 2009 drew to a close I had pretty much analyzed my past home environment at every angle possible save one... religion. I have to admit I saved it for last because I knew it was a big one to tackle and I wouldn't be able to tackle it until I strengthened myself in every other possible area. That's where I stand now as I face 2010. I have finally fully realized in my deepest levels of conscientiousness that I was without a doubt raised in a cult and I have been tackling the different ways that cult shaped my behavior through carefully orchestrated mind control tactics. I am beginning to believe hypnotherapy would be useful as there are some things in my early childhood that I don't remember and probably will not be able to work with without the aid of a hypnotherapist. We shall see.

In 2010 I expect to (hopefully!) close in the gap of deep self analysis in terms of past events. I expect to more firmly establish my recovery, no longer needing to use as many maintenance tools as often as I have this past year. I know the maintenance part never ends, but I am pretty sure once the behavioral changes become more natural for me the maintenance level required to maintain those changes will drop accordingly.

Some other things I look forward to in 2010:

  • Day care - To be truthful I don't know whether to look forward to this or dread it. On one hand it will be nice to have some time off from chasing my little guy around but on the other hand I will miss him terribly. However, I do feel this will be the best time to start him spending more time in a group environment in order to prepare him for the social challenges he will face in school. He's not nearly as dependent on Momma being there now, he plays very well with other little ones, and he's got a better immune system than his father and me put together.
  • Graduation - I will finally be done with the first chapter of my higher education. While I have every intention of continuing in my education afterwards, it will be nice to take some much needed break time from the books. I'm guessing I will take anywhere from 6 months to a year until I return to school. I'm seriously considering kicking off graduation with another vacation on the beach. I just hope this time Brennan will be a little better about getting in the ocean (as it stands right now he HATES getting in the water at the beach even though he loves baths).
  • New car - I have decided that this upcoming year some of my loan refund is going to go towards the purchase of a new car. Not just any car but something that I really, really want. Right now I'm thinking Volkswagon, MINI, or... this will probably make you laugh... Saturn.
  • Brennan's birthday - He turns 2 this year... I can hardly believe it! His birthday party ought to be a blast, though! :)
  • Long hair - I miss it. The thing that really sucks about short hair is the wait for it to become long again once I've gotten bored with it being short. Fortunately by the end of this year I should have some decently long, curly tresses going on, though. :)
  • No more nail biting - FOR GOOD - I've quit it before through pure will power and did pretty well until something really stressful happened and the will power failed. This time around I'm working from the inside out - changing the degree of stress I go under when something stressful happens and also changing the way I view that stress. This should make it so that it no longer has to be a matter of how much will power I have but will simply be a part of who I am. Rather than fighting the urge I'm reducing it and am allowing myself to bite my nails when ever I feel like it so I can chart my progress. Right now I'm averaging about one event where I bite one nail per week and I don't bite it down to a stub any more either. I'm also trimming my nails so I'm not tempted to bite them just because the length is getting on my nerves (I've noticed I tend to be tempted when they're long just because it feels weird having them at that length). Once I get comfortable with them being just short I'm going to start keeping them a little longer until I get used to that and so forth from there.
  • Maintaining a healthy ratio of exercise and nutrition - This is kind of funny when one takes in to consideration most people look forward to losing or gaining weight in the new year. My concern is not losing weight though, or even gaining it for that matter. I just want to make sure I stay active, eat healthy (as in balanced not as in worrying how much fat is in that glass of milk), and don't worry about my weight or my clothing size. I have been applying this principle for several months now with great results. I have a lot more energy, strength, and generally feel a lot healthier. I am also a lot happier with my body as well. It's not as skinny as I know I can get it to be but it fits me and it looks good. I'm a naturally muscular girl and I have accepted that - it doesn't mean that I'm "fat" and my tummy is actually flatter than it was when I was skinny. No more avoiding major exercise just so I won't build muscle mass and no more calorie counting just to compensate for the lack of exercise. Now I exercise as much as I want because it feels good and it's good for me... the same with eating. 

Hello 2010... I'm happy to meet you! :)



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