>sleepless night

11:34 PM


The simplest form of the Sun Cross, often call...Image via Wikipedia
It looks like I'm going to be spending a night without sleep.

It used to be that I spent my sleepless nights worrying about something or another. Thankfully, many of my nights have been spent in peaceful slumber for a while now. The funny thing though is that I still have problems sleeping when something big, exciting, and/or unknown is about to happen. I was informed that our new place is going to be ready for us to move in come Monday and I just can't seem to get over the excitement I feel over it. It seems sometimes like little changes between the person I was as a child and the person I am now... I have never been one to sleep very well when something big is about to happen. Of course, all the caffeine I drank today probably hasn't helped matters much.

Brennan's cough hasn't helped much tonight, either. It isn't serious and is probably due to the congestion from his cold but my motherly instincts bring me to cringe every time he cough. It's so hard to watch my little angel deal with the discomforts that come with being human. I can see why some mothers say they wish their children were back in the safety of their stomachs.

Ha, David is having fun with his new Ipod Touch right now. He got me one today, too, but I haven't got to play with it yet. The updating and synchronization process is taking forever. Then again it's partially my fault because as per usual the first thing I focused on was getting everything set up, including downloading a ton of apps and all of the lectures I have to listen to for my Humanities and Worldviews courses. I'm going to have this thing filled up before I ever even begin to do anything with it.

I guess I could do some more work on Kathy's netbook, but I don't really feel up to it at the moment. I just want to type.

My exploration of Gnosticism and Biblical history has led me down a strange path... one with a dead end. If anything it has shown me that not only is the Bible fallible, but it's not even the beginning of the whole picture in regards to early Christianity. Early Christianity it seems was just as divided in its beliefs as modern Christianity is today... and it started as an oral tradition, the same as Judaism. I just can't bring myself to declare that I know the absolute spiritual truth. I don't. I don't think anyone alive today does. I seriously doubt any normal human or religious group in history ever has. We know from psychology that we have fundamental needs in regards to our spiritual beliefs in order to be happy and functional, but we still don't know why we have those needs or what the truth behind those necessary beliefs is. Even philosophies that originally strove to take care of these needs without becoming rigid and dogmatic have became what they set out to defeat (take Humanism as an example). 

So that leaves me once again at this one fundamental realization - even though I have no idea who God really is or what He really wants out of me, I still need to believe in Him, I still need to believe that He loves me, and I still need to believe that my soul is eternal. And I still need to search for every nugget of truth I can find about Him and our existence. I still feel like I was called to do something in order to bring about a great change in the world's attitude, only I don't know exactly what. My brother Sean would say that kind of calling is a genetic trait that lies in our blood; passed down from a philosophically, spiritually, and intellectually driven family. I observe the passion he shares with me, the way he understands me when I rail against the injustices I see, and I can't help but wonder if that's the truth.

For right now, though, I let it rest. I choose to focus instead on filling my mind with as much knowledge as I can possibly get, for I know that changes cannot be made without wisdom and wisdom cannot be gained without knowledge. I trust that somewhere along the way I will find my true path.

I think the greatest duty that lies ahead of me right now though is currently sleeping in my bed. Brennan. He is most truly a gift from God and I have no intention of failing to ensure this blossom blooms and flourishes. Any gifts and/or callings of mine are minuscule in comparison to the mere promise that shines out of his big, brown eyes. I don't want to ever see the light in his eyes dim the slightest bit.

Coming back down to earth, I have realized a lot. It's not what you do... it's now how much you do... it's not how much money you make... it's not how many "friends" you have or how many/much people like you... it's not how much you know or even what you know... it's not how famous you are... etc...

It's how content you are to do whatever you do. Period. No one and nothing else matters.

While this may seem like a selfish outlook to have, it really isn't when one takes in to consideration that no kind deed goes unrewarded. It feels good to us to help others, that's why we do it. It becomes a problem when we're so focused on helping others we forget to make sure we feel good about ourselves as well, the same as it becomes a problem if we're so focused on feeling good about ourselves that we forget to care for others. "Love your neighbor as yourself." If you don't love yourself how can you possibly love your neighbor? It's a two way street.

Well, I think I'm going to give bed another shot. Wish me luck. ;)

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