>we are done

4:15 PM

>So it looks like I'm facing the beginning of the end of my first marriage. I can't say that it was all for nothing, though, as I have learned a wealth of information that will help me in future romantic endeavors.

Right now it's just going to be separation with a drawn out custody and child support plan. If that doesn't work we will move on to actually getting a divorce. I'm trying to avoid the actual divorce for right now as they are messy and expensive. Best to settle things out of court if at all possible.

I know I will be okay, but that doesn't stop me from feeling heart broken at the moment. I didn't want this. I love him dearly... but the man I fell in love with is not the man I'm married to. The man I'm married to abuses me, cheats on me, and uses me. The guy I fell in love with wouldn't dream of doing anything like that to the people he really cares about. Which means that either a. he doesn't care about me any more or b. he's not the same guy any more. Either way, if I don't get out now, he's going to drag us ALL under, and for Brennan's sake at least I can NOT let that happen. Right now I have a means to care for us and put a roof over our heads. If I keep at it with him though that won't last very long, if at all. I've already came dangerously close to it not lasting at all - he's borrowed $720 in the past month alone, which is more than he makes in a month off unemployment. He's been paying me back by handing over almost his complete unemployment check, which means while I'm getting the money paid back I'm having to shell it right back out to take care of him and Brennan since he is now unable to financially care for himself or help with Brennan. Gahhhh.

Anyways, I don't really know where I am at this point. I'm just trying to keep my head above the water and not think too much about what on earth the future is going to look like. Any single moms out there know what I'm talking about. There's that big cloud that looms over your head asking if you will ever be "dateable" again or if you and your child are going to be doomed to a single parent household. The way I feel right now though is any guy who has a problem with me being a mother is not a guy I would EVER want to date and I would much rather be a single parent than deal with ANY of this crap EVER again. I am done dealing with dysfunctional male drama...  Lord knows I got plenty of that with George among others. It's about time I stopped being Miss Fix It for these lost souls and just focused on myself. I'm never going to gain their acceptance much less their genuine love through my own effort. I cannot blame myself for being unable to mend what someone else has broken. I cannot blame them for being unable to mend what they often do not even see as being broken. The most I can do is make sure that I'm no longer broken and maybe someday find someone who isn't broken either.

What a ride.

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1 comments

  1. >You're doing the best you can for now. I'm not in your personal life every day, but after reading this and your other blog entries, I have a good feeling you'll be just fine. ;) You are making the right decision for yourself and your son. This effort will show Brennan that he should expect something better between himself and his future partner. I always try to think of the example I'm setting to my children when they see me interact with my husband. Take this time in your single life to kind of pamper and rediscover you minus 1. Your recent post seems that you are already breaking ground about what truly is out there. Be patient, and I know you are. You are a brilliant and strong woman. You will prevail.Good luck.

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