>death pangs

12:43 PM

>It feels so strange being philosophically single again, especially when I feel like he's going on like nothing ever happened and I find myself sitting here stumped on how I could ever bring myself to so much as flirt with a guy, much less date one.

I don't really want to date anyone, and I don't really want flirt around. Any urges I get to do that are mere urges to get revenge, which I refuse to succumb to. Partially because I am morally against it and partially because I don't really think he would care enough to make the effort worth it. He doesn't care if I cheat on him any more than he cares if his cheating hurts me and as time goes by I think more and more that he's really just with me for Brennan's sake and not because he actually wants to be with me any more. It's like he doesn't see how serious his behavior is, he just sees how I react to it and can't stand me on account of it, which drives him to do it more.

I do think this problem existed before I came along. I think I just so happened to come along at around the same time he gained access to a new way of expressing it - his laptop - so he was able to keep it a secret for way longer than he would have by any other normal means. I'm beginning to feel like I distrust computers and trust them more all at the same time. I distrust them because they fool people in to thinking it's okay just as long as they're not doing it in real life, and I trust them because they more than anything else bring out the "monsters" that exist in some people. I've had to fight my own demons that have been exposed by the internet, so I can relate. Where I stop relating is where people either don't want to see or refuse to see their demons for what they are - problems that need to be cast out i.e. resolved in order to live a happy, peaceful, fulfilled life.

Anyways, he has to learn this on his own. I can't help him and I've done all I can do. I hope that he works through this. I'm slowly giving up on the hope that he is still in love with me. It's more realistically looking like he just doesn't want to rock the boat for Boogie. 

And part of me is beginning to not care any more. Yes, the depression is creeping in. Can it not be expected? I've been fighting it, but eventually it is going to have to play its part out. I feel unworthy of love again. I feel like I am never going to find someone that honestly loves me. I feel like I am somehow damaged beyond any hope or repair. I feel too ugly. I feel too old. I feel too used. Like some sort of toothless old whore.

And David has all the pretty, teenage, fresh girls he wants. There's a bias in society... women always want older men... no one wants older women. A guy can be a total jerk off at 40 years old and get teenage girls throwing themselves at him, but a perfectly wonderful 40 year old woman can't even get guys her own age to look at her. 

It's a very dark time to be female. 
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  1. >I know it is rough, but you have to think of Brennan first always remember that.