>Finding God on Earth

10:22 PM

>It's strange how as I get closer to full integration, I am seeing things with a lot more clarity.

I think that MPD might be a sort of blessing in disguise. Not many people get to sort through the pieces of their past through hypnosis and only pick up the pieces that fit who they are while offering up all the bad memories to the Higher Power on Earth.

I really love finding the innocence and serenity I never really got to have as a child. I really love learning the lessons I never got to learn from a severely abusive and dysfunctional family. And I adore the adventure in it all. I'm rediscovering my creative side in a whole new light that really is just old light I had long forgotten about because it was never "allowed" in my family.

I wish my family would support my endeavor to finally break free from the system that they all know has messed us up pretty badly. But unfortunately they are more concerned with keeping me under their control.

I thank God every day that even though I am having to ditch "friends" left and right, I have one friend that lays beside me right now that really knows what the Light is all about. Boogie. My "angel" on earth. And yes, sometimes a "devil" too, LOL. But at least he is innocent... at least he cares... at least he somewhat listens and always, always learns.

His father has done some real damage in the past month to us both developmentally. Poor Boogie is acting like some crazed child with severe ADHD and his room looks absolutely horrible. I don't even think I would keep a pet in his room with the condition it has been allowed to degrade to (which is why he's sleeping with me tonight). And unfortunately, his father also could not keep his hands off "my girls" and downright manipulated the one that used to pray every day that he was happy and safe after he left school just to... well, you know. It's made me realize a lot about the nature of our past relationships. He's never actually fell in love with any version of the real me. He's always wanted the fakes, the programmed women that just serve his interests and his alone. And he doesn't seem to realize that while his son is indeed two years old, that's exactly why he needs a schedule laid out for him and activities that help him learn his way around the world (not just ones that are a lot of fun). He needs a clean room even though he loves to color on the walls and tear up books. And he needs a lot of attention so he doesn't do things like that; not anger, not punishment. He needs love, structure, balance, resolve, honesty, integrity, and well, the list could go on and on but I think the point here is made.

It's rough trying to build a good family for your child when your definition of good family stretches far beyond any available belief system and goes straight to the heart.

Children really are from God. And this little "angel on earth" has taught me so much about how the things I tolerate are going to be the things he lives with and learns. I'm a "strong warrior mother" though and I will carry on as always, pushing and praying to get my son the kind of family he really and truly DESERVES. But this time, I did at least find that I brought a few friends to help me figure out what that kind of family is like.

There's a nice peace in knowing also that I am finally on the right path. The CORRECT one, that is, not just another one. And also peace in finally knowing that none of what I have gone through has ever actually been my fault.

A good example. Let's look at the sociopath in SC who's wife had the nerve to call me stupid for recommending a good therapist for him because he was cult programming his baby son with horror movies. Ummm... actually, I said all I really need to right there. He's cult programming his baby with horror movies. Hey, that creates people like me! And he knows it I'm sure. But he doesn't know... the end part of the MPD story...

We remember. We heal from all damages inflicted. And when we remember, we tend to do it with a vengeance. Mother's hearts get broken from their children abandoning their controlling/dismissive ways. Fathers get yelled and screamed at for months for being "the devil in human form". When a broken doll gets healed and finally becomes a real live person, that person tends to want to break the same people that broke them to begin with.

No, it's not right. But it is a good example of how God actually works through the MPD system. You may get away with it now, but just wait. Just wait until that creature from God realizes he or she has been missing God because of your evil nature and refusal to allow them to find their own way to Him on earth. It's not pretty. Not pretty at all. Especially if they start to remember before they get in to hypnosis or if (God forbid) you interfere with the integration process before it's complete.

The other day, I went to the house in Fair Play while under hypnosis. My therapist wanted me to make it look better for the self left there. I said, "There's no way to make this place better for her. There's no way at all. This entire house is falling apart and it's nothing but bad memories of abuse. Let's just take her away from here and destroy the house so it never returns to haunt her memory." And that's exactly what we did. We sent all the dead pets that were "accidentally" killed straight to Heaven and cleaned up their spilled blood, as well. Every single puppy. Zebulin. Chii & Herbert. All of them.

And I remembered something while I was there. How he said it was bad and I would freak out but it "wasn't that bad and could be repaired." Looking back now with my older adult mind I realize that was always a lie. And also that the only reason why he wanted me there was to help him, never because he actually wanted a real, equal partner relationship. He claims that now but you only have to take one look to see how untrue that is. His girlfriend is just like his best friend. His followers. His worshippers. She claims they have mutual respect but as far as I can tell, she just lets him do whatever he wants and never questions anything. It kind of reminds me of myself at one time before I... well. MPD like I said is a blessing in disguise. You can abuse the heck out of someone with this disorder, brain wash them, manipulate them, make them completely forget who they were before. But eventually they will switch, and all the hard work you put in to erasing their personality will disappear in to the untouched void of their mind, never to return again unless otherwise needed.

But she doesn't have that same advantage. So she's on her own completely. I doubt she will ever wake up, at least not until their kids are grown and she's wondering why her children have so many problems in life. But by then it will probably be too late. I know this from my own family. By the time the kids get grown, the wife (assuming she doesn't have MPD) will be so used to the dysfunctional system she'll defend it, even if it means hurting her kids even more.

But I need not really think about these things right now. I just have to live one day at a time, enjoying my time to discover who I really am inside beyond all the beliefs that others have tried to push on me my entire life.

I am going to be free soon. Really free. And I can't wait to see what real living feels like for those who know already how to connect with God on earth so they don't have to follow any belief systems but their own.

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