8:55 PM


Stained glass at St John the Baptist's Anglica...Someone has seen the Shining Man before.

Life seems to be a never ending learning process, but I don't mind. I watch myself grow and change and look behind... there are so many that have stopped growing, stopped changing. So many that think they have done all the growth and change they need to do. But that is what makes life worth living. Why live your life stuck in a rut, stuck in one routine type of systematic thought without any spirit, energy, emotion, heart?

I spent 26 years of my life stuck in a glass box.

The glass is cracking. The fog is clearing. I'm beginning to see, really see.

We are two now. We tell our names to no one but those we trust. And we cooperate. We don't fight. We just become one on the outside while still sharing our "secrets" on the inside.

I have done most of the apologies I will ever need to give to people from my past. Most accepted with joy and understanding. Some with more serious sins on their plate rebuked me. But the only rebuke I fear now is that of God, which I know now... it probably will never happen. He loves me just as I am, and He is working to change me, to heal me up so I can finally be free to be me and no one else, me and no one's slave, me and no one's broken doll.

There are those that take advantage of people like me. And I pray for them, I pray for us all. The light. Stay with the "special" light. It will never lead you wrong. For some it burns but for those that have found themselves sinned against so much that they could not recover... it welcomes. It shows secrets that lead you to the Shining Man.

I no longer care if Mr. Sociopath calls me crazy. I no longer care if Miss Brainwashed calls me stupid. No self respecting person of any denomination would dream of inflicting such horrors on a newborn, and ESPECIALLY no REAL Christian as Miss Brainwashed claims to be.

You can either live in sin and allow it to ruin your family for yet another generation or you can change and grow by repenting, asking forgiveness, asking redemption, and gaining salvation. Something I'm pretty darned sure neither of these people have ever came close to finishing (one I doubt ever even started).

Regardless of whether or not DCF will take any action, I'm sure they are going to have plenty of issues with Johnny getting in trouble in school and possibly someday imprisoned all because Daddy thought it would be cute to use cult programming tactics on his son from birth onwards to create a Mr. Sociopath Jr.

I have no doubt in my mind he knows this is exactly what he is doing. He's too intelligent NOT to know. But again, like I've said before, a sociopath has no true conscience and very little genuine emotion. It's not their fault but unfortunately this disorder makes one so pleased with their "power" over others that they will rarely, RARELY ever step foot in a therapist's office, much less in a genuine manner.

Maybe guys like this one don't know how to be genuine. I don't know. *shrugs* I'm no psychologist.

But I do know this much. Sin corrupts from the inside out. That means we doom ourselves and everyone around us that isn't true to Christ. There's judgment, but that seems like a second chance more than anything else and way more hardcore of an experience than just finding salvation while we live.

I want to say thank you to a very special Bible scholar that has been helping me find my way to freedom from the bonds of my traumatic childhood. This man has treated me with so much love and understanding and... he has the fruits, he really does. I hope to have them myself one day. I know ranting about the ex doesn't quite make it, lol. But wow this guy has to drag everyone in to everything he does. I reached out to him the best I could while still split up in to many different alters, and he dragged his girlfriend in to the discussion with her asking me if I was stupid. And I don't remember all I said... remember, I'm like 5 different people at this time... but I do remember saying something to the effect of I'm calling DCF like I should have in the first place. I figured if I'm nuts DCF will reject it and everything will be ok on my conscience as a... well, a mother. A real, live, breathing mother. I cannot imagine showing my child horror films from birth on up. Or having him play with fake weapons in a crib. I personally know what it's like to have adults show you horrific things in your youngest years. It's part of what made me multiple. And my family has really paid for everything while having to deal with some version of me calling them at all hours at night ranting about some misjustice done years and years ago. That's why I say, you, your family, Mr. Sociopath, will pay in the end when your child finally remembers. I know there was a traumatic birth. And no, I don't have to deal with your blog to know that. *taps head* She had it rough, didn't she? Long and hard... I could see she was stressed to the point of absolute psychosis while she was pregnant in the communication she had with me. There's something seriously wrong when a woman starts going in to deluded rants about imagined offenses in an email that's just asking her to pass on the message that I was sick of her boyfriend or his friends obsessing over my blog (27 hits in one day).

*sighs* Yeah, I'm venting. But I'm at least protecting names on this, which is quite an improvement from the 17 year old "online journalist" I used to be at the encouragement of my then boyfriend Mr. Sociopath.

Either way, I know one thing. I made the right choice about something even though it meant me sinning. Because the Bible does say that those who force the well intentioned "sheep" to sin have a fate much worse. I could not bring children in the world knowing already what his plan was for his offspring. He has done everything so far he used to "joke" about, and I'm horrified by the fact the mother just stands by and watches and even DEFENDS this behavior. I wonder who broke this woman so badly that she doesn't even have the heart to protect her children. Maybe her ex husband. It's pretty obvious she did not go through counseling, and also kind of obvious Mr. Sociopath picked her up at her most vulnerable. Interesting how he always picks up his girlfriends when they're weak and never when they are strong.

Anyways, enough of that. I think I said enough to make quite a bit of reading, lol. I forgive myself for that, though. It's healthy to really get these things out and work through them until one reaches resolution and peace, even if that must be achieved alone.

I speak in truth, and that is not wrong. I may not know the best communication yet, but I am learning. He is leading the way.

At least I have finally found my "Voice" again.

I talk to everyone I meet now in some way or another. Some people I have nice conversations with, others just an exchanged nod. With every bit of this I am thrilled that I am finally beginning to connect with people, PEOPLE, just plain out miscellaneous people.

Progress. We are two now. The originals. And no, we will never speak our names to anyone out here. That is our special secret.

And we have finally got the final formulas for our hair and skin care line we think. *crosses fingers*

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