You know who this is for...

2:49 AM

So, is that what you call a getaway?
Well tell me what you got away with.
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when your head goes through the windshield.

Everyone's caught on to everything you do
(And I can't let you let me down again)

Note the emphasis... because it's true... that's why you sit at home watching TV now with nothing better to do, with no options left now that you've given up your online meanderings with teenage chat rooms... that's why for the past 5 years you (and I) have watched our pool of friends dwindle, even though you convinced me they (even my own personal friends) said it was all MY fault for being "negative"... kind of funny how those same people have a completely different story to tell about how it's because of knowing YOU personally to be a manipulative, lying, abusive asshole that they didn't feel comfortable being around and that they didn't want to pressure me too much about leaving because they didn't want to threaten our friendship.

And you know, after going over everything that happened in our relationship... I think I've realized what really went wrong in the beginning, and what really was wrong all along. You were feeling insecure after you got fired at Beef's, and you looked over at me, determined to give our child the "good life" and "win" at life so much that I forced you to spend almost our entire tax returns on baby gear even though you argued we would get everything we needed in the baby shower (which didn't even come close, and I think you resented me even more for being right about us needing to spend our tax returns on that stuff)... then later QUIT my "good" job at PRC even though I was up for a promotion to go back to school and become even better... and succeeded with a 3.5 GPA, even though at the time I was juggling a newborn AND a household of 3-5 adults at any given time.... and you got jealous, and that was when you decided that you were going to make sure that you came out on top and not me, even if it meant dragging our entire family down to do it.

I will admit, for a while, your plan worked. But it wasn't by any means permanent, and now that you're gone, I'm gradually returning back to my old self, only better... stronger, wiser, with a lot more on my plate to offer than ever before... and as an added bonus (as if all the aforementioned wasn't enough), I've also finally learned how to be happy under ANY circumstances in my life, as long as I remember to set my boundaries when it comes to the people I allow in to my personal life as friends/family/loved ones/etc. Of course, that doesn't mean I don't get stressed or any of the stuff that happens to anyone in their daily lives, but it does mean I don't get depressed any more, at least not for long. And when I do feel sad, I've got plenty of people in my life to help cheer me back up. Additionally, without you around, interestingly enough I don't really find myself asking for help from people like my family much any more either... and I have also found most of the time I don't even need it. I usually can find a way out of my own messes, or do without until I do. And despite all the curve balls you threw me before you left, like stealing (and taking/stealing via constantly lying about how many cards I had bought you before) a VERY large amount of money from me in order to pay for weapons in Combat Arms, I managed very well to mostly find my own way out of ALL of it with little help from anyone... even a month with almost no income. And because of that... along with reflection on you and my relationship with my ex-fiance, both situations in which I mostly took care of you and kept you off the streets/kept you from starving and not vice versa... I have realized that I had what it takes to not only survive in this world but THRIVE all along. I just needed to do exactly what my counselors have been telling me for years I just needed to do: trust myself. I have the right formulas, I just need to start trusting them and stop replacing them with everyone else's.

It's my life. I'm the only one that lives it, it's the only life I'm going to get to live, and I only get one chance at each given moment to do it right; one chance at each given moment to choose happiness or sadness. I have been placing too much importance on karma and not enough on simply being happy. All the karma in the world won't do you much good if you spend your entire life in misery.... nor will you find you have actually helped anyone at all.

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