It Only Gets Better From Here

9:38 PM

I kind of feel like ever since my 29th birthday, I've been in this weird accelerated learning process when it comes to life and especially relationships (I don't mean romantic ones but just relationships in general). I've learned more in the past 6 months than I have learned in my entire life... and I finally have a sense of closure, a sense of knowing exactly what it is I want out of my life and exactly what is acceptable/unacceptable when it comes to my relationships with others. I just kind of wish this process had hit me sooner so I would have had a lot more time to spend on going the "right way" instead of spending 10 years of my adult life wasting everything I had to give on people that didn't deserve it and were never going to pay it back or pay it forward.

On the outside, I'm sure there's people that would say that I've lost everything. I've ditched the vast majority of my "friends"... ditched my entire family on my mom's side outside of my mom and stepdad... lost my "home"... etc.

I however would argue that it's not a loss on my part, but a new start... a cleansing to clear the way for a much happier and better life. All the aforementioned was simply weighing me down and preventing me from reaching my full potential. Those people weren't doing any good for me... just dragging me down and making me feel worthless/hopeless. That "home" was a prison... a place designed to keep me from moving on to a better life for myself and my son... designed to keep me from ever thinking I could do more with my life and to prevent me from actually ever being ABLE to do more with it.

And wow... I've already seen a huge difference. Today was spent apartment and job hunting. It's got me feeling a lot more optimistic about moving to Duval and a little less scared. The quality of life seems so much better than it was in my old county. And looking through job postings taught me that I have a lot more to offer in the IT arena than I previously thought, although I'm a little bit in a no man's land now... overqualified for tech work, and under qualified for most admin jobs. Fortunately, it seems there's always companies looking to train admins, and it seems that I may be a bit of a formidable competitor there just because I already have a lot of lower level tech experience AND am the fresh faced college grad they're looking for.

Now for the juicy part... I have a boyfriend. Second guy I've dated since the separation, although if you listen to my MIL you would hear I've been running a train, LOL. The woman bitches every time she hears of me being around any male other than her son though, and I'm sorry, but my geeky interests means I mostly have platonic male friends... her son understood and even LIKED that (considering that's how we started out) and I only wish she would as well... but then again, she has even assumed I was having a romantic/sexual relationship going with my own brother (ewwww!) just because she found out there was a man at my apartment (didn't even bother to question WHO) so whatever. Anyways, my new love interest's name is Charles, and I'm freaking crazy about him. We seem to have the kind of connection going that usually takes most couples years to achieve... a weird kind of instinctual understanding of each other... and of course, it doesn't hurt that a. we share a lot of the same interests b. we are different enough in interests for it to never get boring c. we balance each other's personalities out - he being more grounded and logical and me being more spontaneous /adventurous and creative d. we both are empathetic and sensitive and e. we have similar IQs (a new prerequisite I added to potential dates... please, for the love of God, don't make me dumb myself down for you and/or get insecure and try to turn it in to a competition or get pissed at me over my intelligence! I can't help it!). He's the first Cancer I've dated, and I must say I'm starting to wonder why I never tried dating a Cancer before (although I know the major reason has been I find most of them too "whiny" and "clingy", and I've always shown a preference for stronger personality types). He however seems like this perfect mix of strength and sensitivity. Perhaps best of all though, he's "normal" i.e. doesn't have a lot of mental/emotional instability AND he hasn't tried to fake being someone he's not, either. Overall, he treats me the way I want to be treated... like a human... like an equal... like his partner. :)

It always has to storm before you see a rainbow... and my life has been at hurricane status for a while now. Now that the storm has cleared, I'm seeing the biggest, brightest, most colorful "rainbow" I have ever seen in my life start to appear. And I'm learning to not only be thankful for that, but also gradually to be thankful for the storm that preceded it as well... because without that storm, I would have not learned as much as I have, much less made the changes I needed to make in my approach to life that has allowed such a beautiful plethora of colors to appear. If anything, I wish it had happened sooner so I could have started on this path a lot quicker... but at the same time, I know if it HAD happened sooner I may have never met Charles and have settled for someone a little less compatible... a little less rare (I have not discussed his rarities here, but they are plenty enough to convince me there's no one else like him). So, in the end... it's all worked out as it should have... it's all worked out for the best. I refer back to my previous post on this about allowing nature and the universe to run its course... you may not know exactly where it is headed at any given moment, but if you ride that rip tide out, it will always lead you to a better place than you were before. :)

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