This Child of Mine; This Life

8:39 PM

Learn from the past, live in the present, hope for the future.

I know I have not made any entries here in quite a while. I haven't really had the time since G was born. I also haven't really known what to say here. I suppose I'm still in a reflection phase, sorting through everything that has happened and finding a new rhyme and reason to it all, allowing it to help me grow. And yet... I must admit that there's also a large amount of time during which I don't think about any of it at all... I just go about my life and focus on what's going on now rather than what has happened. I keep telling myself I need to write here more, but I never seem to get around to it. I don't really want to approach it. I'd rather just forget it...

The guy I thought was the yin to my yang was simply yet another manipulator. I've fully accepted that now, no more questions or doubts about it. I didn't catch on for a long time because his game was so vastly different from the ones I've seen played out in the past. And by the time I did realize it, it was too late and I was too heartstruck to cut it off without a lot of fence jumping and heartache. It's hard to be very objective when all you have are clues and no hard evidence. I wonder how detectives and police did it in the early 1900s... putting thieves and murderers away based on the clues they gathered and the stories they could put together from them without having doubts about their instincts... 

I have always had a problem with taking people at their word and trusting that most people are well intentioned. I've come to accept that this is a far cry from the truth. Maybe it was that way in the 1950s, but today... most people are self centered, apathetic, cruel, manipulative, liars... which is why it's so important to make trust an earned attribute rather than a free gift...

I can pretty well figure out how this played out from his end now. He knew how vastly incompatible we were in terms of core values and beliefs, yet he played off what he learned about me to pretend we were on the same page. Whenever I stumbled on evidence to the contrary, it was because he had changed or he wasn't serious, never because that was what he really thought, although now reflecting back I should have realized those beliefs don't just change and they're not really something to be joking about either. Anyhow, he probably believed that he had me so wrapped that I would willingly give up my own values just to keep him and/or that he could manipulate or convince me to change them... and well, he was dead wrong about that one. No matter what angle I look at this from though, one thing becomes very blatantly clear: he overestimated himself and underestimated me. Which really could be the story of my life when it comes to these types. Or people in general, for that matter... why are people constantly mistaking my calm and easy going demeanor as me being a complete pushover/doormat? Although I must admit, I kind of prefer things being that way... because it allows me to see exactly who they are towards those they perceive to be weaker than themselves... and it also allows me to catch them by surprise when they find out I'm not so easy after all once you start triggering certain alarms...

I suppose I'm coming to a point in my life where I'm starting to be able to see myself for who I really am and what I'm really capable of instead of what I've been told. I'm learning to be able to accept that I'm something extradinary without feeling guilt over not grouping myself in with everyone else as just another lump of flesh (clarification: I'm not putting others down. I'm just pointing out that in the past I was taught that any kind of thoughts of uniqueness were indicators of damaging pride and self inflation/delusions of grandeur). I'm learning to trust my particular strengths such as intuition, observation skills, and pattern matching/puzzle solving capabilities. 

My life has been steadily and vastly improving the more I give in to allowing myself to be, well, me. Proof that I'm going in the right direction...

G is about to be 3 months old. Time has really flew as it always does when it comes to these little beings. He is absolutely amazing. Devilishly handsome, calm and patient, sweet and happy, big and strong and smart, charming to boot. I and B both are absolutely head over heels over him, and so is everyone else he encounters it seems. He's already got two serious girlfriends, LOL; female friends of mine that steal him from my arms every chance they get and don't want to let him go. People in general are amazed to see a baby like him. Or a baby at all for that matter - I thought it was just me, but the other day someone else pointed out that you rarely ever see any babies anywhere any more. Which is really kind of sad considering the power they hold to bring joy and hope to everyone that encounters them. They remind us that there's always a new beginning and the future to look forward to, and that the struggles of today are more than worth it to reap the rewards of tomorrow.

He is very attached to me and never wants to leave my side. Even when others are holding him, he looks for me, and will only put up with so much before he starts struggling to get back to me. It's like he knows exactly how much I love him and how much I'm willing to do/how far I'm willing to go for him.

And he was worth every bit of what I've gone through and sacrificed just to bring him in to the world. I look back now knowing without a shadow of a doubt that I made the right decision. His dad may think it's all just biology - as he would say, if biology didn't make mothers love their children the human race wouldn't have survived - but I know how far that kind of thinking has got him and exactly where it will lead him. I don't envy him at all. I feel sorry for him. There was a meme I came across a few weeks ago that said "Some people feel the rain; others just get wet". It perfectly describes the contrast between us. If I get caught in the rain I enjoy the experience; if he does, he just complains...

... going further to prove that indeed happiness is a state of mind and not based on any kind of external reality. It's when your mind and your heart are in sync with each other... when your needs and wants are balanced with your current experiences.

Good night. 

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